I don't even know how to start talking about what I want to post on. This is going to be a complaining post. I don't have very many people to talk to in person at the moment and I kinda need to get it out. Hopefully, I'll be able to move on once I've said it.
So right now, I'm struggling. Quite a bit. I'm not sure I'll have enough money to make it through the summer. I'm ready to quit my night job, but its the only thing that will keep me afloat until I start teaching school in the fall. I love the teaching part, but the middle of the night part, not so fun.
But I think the hardest part of my life right now is that I've transitioned from the singles ward into a family ward. It is so hard to be in a family ward. I've managed to ignore how much I want to get married and have a family while in the singles ward, but being in the family ward every week, I am surrounded by families. I think its especially hard because we just got about 30 new families from the BYU married wards because they broke them up. So I go to church and see these girls who are 23 and pregnant with their second and I can't even find a companion. To rub salt into the wound, I no longer have a social life. There are maybe three other singles in my ward: another girl probably 5 or 6 years older than me, and two older men. My friends from my old singles wards are integrating into their wards and in school and kind of are already out of the picture. And the guys that have seemed interested in the last 2 months, don't call. So I can't get a date, have no social life and am surrounded by everything I want and have managed to life without for the past 10 years. I think I cry in church every week.
I also room with my sister, and we are never home at the same time. We both work nights, but different hours, which means we also sleep at different hours and then have other things to take care of during the day. So we basically don't see each other.
So I work, because I'm broke, sleep days, because I work nights, and am exceptionally lonely. I'm hovering barely above rock bottom emotionally. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I know that what I need is to get out and see people, but when you are that close to the bottom, that is a very difficult thing to do.
I just keep trying to remember that it won't last forever. And it won't. But its a very difficult phase I'm in right now.
3 comments:
i am so sorry nicole! It is a tough place right now and I know the feelings of despair, although for different reasons. Anyways, I am wishing I could call you and listen, you can always call and cry to me. I know you are loved and the Lord has a plan for you, and you are so good at living right and so things will fall into place - even though it may not seem to be at the time you would like. Love you and miss you!
Thanks Steph, that means a lot to me.
Sometimes the Lord brings us low, before he can "wink" lift us higher. He knows. He cares. And He is planning.
Post a Comment