Reflections

Today, I went back and basically re-read my entire blog. An interesting experience, let me tell you. There are definitely some things that I've left out, but I suppose that's ok. I realized that most of my posts are me venting/complaining because I just don't have anywhere else to say those things. So I thought I'd tell you the awesomeness that is my life right now.

I currently work full time and LOVE my job! Next year, I will FINALLY! be on salary and I'm teaching both ballroom and drama. I work with some of the most amazing and supportive teachers. I own my own home and my car is paid off. My mom gave me a dog last week, so I have a house and a dog, plus I'm working on paying off my debts. Not only that, but I don't have to get another job this summer! I managed to save enough and have enough small jobs I'm already committed to that I don't have to do anything else. I'm teaching summer school and working for my former Land Lady. So I get to relax and prep for the upcoming school year.

I also really like my ward. I feel much more comfortable there, even though many of my friends have moved out with the end of the school year. In my last ward, I felt like I wasn't going to be there for long, but this one feels like home. Considering I'll be here for at least 3 years.

There are a couple of other good things going on also that contribute to a general feeling of well-being, but are rather inconsequential as of the moment.

All in all, the Lord takes care of me, and for that, I am so grateful. Its good to see the sunshine after the rain.

I won the lottery!!!

Sort of. It wasn't like a money lottery. It was a house lottery. Which means that I won the right to purchase a home. So I am now in the process of trying to by a home!! Its a little condo, and I have to live there for 3 years, but I'm so excited!! More details to follow. :)

Blerg

I don't even know how to start talking about what I want to post on. This is going to be a complaining post. I don't have very many people to talk to in person at the moment and I kinda need to get it out. Hopefully, I'll be able to move on once I've said it.

So right now, I'm struggling. Quite a bit. I'm not sure I'll have enough money to make it through the summer. I'm ready to quit my night job, but its the only thing that will keep me afloat until I start teaching school in the fall. I love the teaching part, but the middle of the night part, not so fun.

But I think the hardest part of my life right now is that I've transitioned from the singles ward into a family ward. It is so hard to be in a family ward. I've managed to ignore how much I want to get married and have a family while in the singles ward, but being in the family ward every week, I am surrounded by families. I think its especially hard because we just got about 30 new families from the BYU married wards because they broke them up. So I go to church and see these girls who are 23 and pregnant with their second and I can't even find a companion. To rub salt into the wound, I no longer have a social life. There are maybe three other singles in my ward: another girl probably 5 or 6 years older than me, and two older men. My friends from my old singles wards are integrating into their wards and in school and kind of are already out of the picture. And the guys that have seemed interested in the last 2 months, don't call. So I can't get a date, have no social life and am surrounded by everything I want and have managed to life without for the past 10 years. I think I cry in church every week.

I also room with my sister, and we are never home at the same time. We both work nights, but different hours, which means we also sleep at different hours and then have other things to take care of during the day. So we basically don't see each other.

So I work, because I'm broke, sleep days, because I work nights, and am exceptionally lonely. I'm hovering barely above rock bottom emotionally. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I know that what I need is to get out and see people, but when you are that close to the bottom, that is a very difficult thing to do.

I just keep trying to remember that it won't last forever. And it won't. But its a very difficult phase I'm in right now.

I am iron

But only steel gets to the highest degree of heaven.

I have to become steel.

So God puts me into the fire.
And then he takes me out and beats me.

And then into the fire.
And then beat the imperfections out.

And again.

And again.

One day I will be steel.


But dang. What a painful process!!! :'(

Shattered

That's what happened to my self image last night talking to a friend. In a completely non-judgmental way, she told me that I flirt with everyone and guys can't tell if I'm flirting because I like them or because I just want to get married, because guys can tell I want to get married.

I have several thoughts on this and I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. Here's my little pride cycle.

One, I can't really help flirting. I get it from my mom and its part of who I am. I can't completely change myself and still feel like I'm not being fake. I believe that we should do like Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true". On the flip-side, I probably can tone things down a little and still be myself.

Two, why is it a bad thing to want to get married? Almost everyone wants to, even if they don't admit it. We're SUPPOSED to. Its part of The Plan. We're structured to want and need other people. So why is it a bad thing when people are comfortable being honest with themselves about what they want? On the flip-side, it may come across as being desperate.

Three, sometimes I feel that I am completely different from everyone I know. I feel like I'm living in a world of people who see things in a totally different way than I do. My friend was telling me the opinions of some of the guys we both know and some of the things they've said, and I just wonder how different we all are, but think we are the same. How many miscommunications come out of us thinking that we are the same, but have really different ways of thinking about the world. It sometimes makes me feel really alone and completely misunderstood.

Fourth, sometimes it becomes very clear that I don't totally understand myself. There are still things I discover that I didn't know where there and I don't know how to deal with. Such is the struggle of life, I presume.

In dealing with this, I realize that my friend's point of view is just one side and I need to take it with a grain of salt. I plan on taking what she said into consideration and adjust accordingly, but not completely. She is a different person than I am and I still have to be myself. But course corrections are part of the journey, and this may be one I need to change that one degree.

My one word of advice is this, when you start to ask the Lord to show you your flaws so that you can become a better person, be prepared for your pride to take a hit. And its going to be hard and hurt. The good news is you'll be a better person on the other side, if you learn from the experience.

Done!!!

So I have finished my coursework for my Master's!! This means I have a lot more time. Which is good. Except that I now am feeling anxious about getting a job, or getting another job. If I could get another one now, that would be great. I also need one for the summer and having a full time teaching position for next year would be really amazing. Then I could get that house that I want. That I don't want to start looking for yet because I don't have an income to make payments on.

And my huge frustration . . . boys. Yes, I know, its a never ending frustration. But I've gone out with a couple boys and dated a couple boys and I just don't understand them. They are just too happy hanging out. They don't want to commit. I think what instigated this was I went out about a week and a half ago with one guy I'd been out with previously, and we went to a show and he didn't even put his arm around me. He's 31, what on earth is he waiting for?!? And if he really isn't interested, why is he going out with me? I just don't understand. At least make a move so I can decide how much I like you.

Attacked

So I realized today that it has been quite a while since I updated my blog. To which I say, its going to be a little bit longer.

Life has attacked me.

The sheer insanity of this next week just goes to prove the truthfulness of the title of my blog.

But as a fun little story while you're all waiting with baited breath
Tonight, the kids decided it was time for me to go to bed. So they dragged me upstairs, tucked me in, read me a story and put me to bed. It was quite entertaining. And if it hadn't been for the 10 page paper I need to be writing, I would have stayed in bed and gone to sleep. Even though it was only 7:00 pm.

Rest and Relaxation

Now that I have time to write a post, I have nothing to say. Nothing is interesting in my life at the moment. I went home for Christmas, got to spend time with my family. I think I am doing better on that front. I used to just go home for Christmas for two days, I'm managing a week now. Of course, the fact that I've found several old friends on Facebook and now get to visit them does help quite a bit. So I was able to see some old friends, and made it out to visit a friend about an hour away who is taking care of her mom.

I've come to the conclusion of late that I am a selfish person and I need to get out and serve people more. Since I haven't had as many things going on in the last week, I've come to see that there are people who need me to visit and support them. I visited with a friend who is struggling with some things in her marriage and realized that I should be there to support her. My sister needs support, she gets bored staying home with a baby all day. And it meant a lot to the friend I visited over Christmas that I came. I've been so focused lately on myself and my problems that I haven't reached out to anyone else and I need to.

In further news, the problem that I've been focusing on is my relationship with men. Which is going nowhere, so I think its time to focus on some other things. I'm about done with FDP, he'll have to change some things before anything happens and I'm not seeing that happen anytime soon.

So on to a less selfish me! Let's see how long that resolution lasts.

More of the same

Well, I haven't been here in a while. Nothing much to report, just taking 12 credits and working three jobs. That keeps me pretty busy, along with my 8 hours a week at the temple.

Nothing has changed with FDP either. Still just friends. I did go to his house for Thanksgiving. Nothing to report there. He has a big family, and he's the youngest, so there were lots of nieces and nephews running around. I was thinking about cutting all lines of communication with him, but the Lord didn't think that was a good idea, so I'm sure I'll be talking to him sometime. But I'm still mad about it, so it might not be for a while. Yeah, that was a major run in for my pride, guess I need to work on humility.

Well, I have two ten page papers due next week, so I should probably be doing that instead of updating my blog. But for anyone who actually reads this, there is my life at the beginning of December.

Without Internet

My life has been crazy the last couple weeks (I know, story of my life, right?). We moved over Fall Break, which caused me to get behind on my homework, so I spent the next week trying to catch up. Whenever I think I'm caught up, then I have to move on to the next assignment. I feel like it never slows down.

So because we moved, I don't have internet. It hasn't moved to the new house yet. Actually, my landlady changed companies (don't make her mad, its not a good thing) and it was supposed to be here yesterday. But the old company had us moving to the wrong address, so for some unknown reason (to us at least) it is supposed to take another week. Let me tell you how well that works for my online classes!!!! It doesn't, in case you were wondering.

I also took my middle schoolers to a ballroom competition last weekend. It was fun, and they had a good time. I'm trying to get them more motivated to do more, but a lot of them have Church activities the next few weekends. Plus, every kid at my house is sick right now. I keep hoping that I don't catch it. I'm trying not to spend a lot of time at home right now.

I feel like things are just insane. I feel like I keep running and running and running and I never get to the point where I can take a breath. I'm ready to just stop being responsible (like that would ever really happen).

Good news: I'm halfway through my term. Not much longer now.

Recent news

Sometimes my life totally reflects the title of my blog.

I've been working a lot lately. Not really much to tell on that front, but I'm glad I'm working. I love teaching, though I seem to only get in trouble at one school. I held the kids too long one day and apparently am not allowed to give them candy either. But other than that, teaching is great.

Two weeks ago, I started school again. After school, I flew to CA, went straight to my class, then went to a friend's house to sleep. I got up early in the morning to fly back. Everything was great until I got to where my flight connected and the flight was delayed. I pretty much missed my first class. Fortunately, someone could cover for me. Then last weekend I drove down to CA for my other classes. I stayed with one of the ladies in my program Friday night and then we drove to class. That night I drove to my aunt's in Vegas and stayed the night. I watched the morning session of conference and then drove home. I caught part of the afternoon session on the radio. I will be very happy when I am done with my courses.

And the last bit of news is that there is a boy in my life. The bad news is that this boy has been in my life for a long time and nothing has ever happened between us. But I'm feeling that there will be a change. I just keep hoping it will be sooner rather than later.
Here are some of the influencing details:
We've danced together and have developed a relationship of trust
We both like to go to the Symphony
He slugged me when I didn't take him the Shakespeare festival two years ago, but then went without me this year
We go hot tubbing or swimming almost every week. And sometimes go twice to make up for the times we miss.
He goes with me to all the movie musicals. And sometimes he's the one who suggests them
He takes me to dinner occasionally
He likes kids
He comes up with the ideas, but then I have to plan them
Pretty much, I spend at least one night a week with him, generally two or more.
He is my best friend. I trust him completely and I'm comfortable around him.
The more I learn about him, the better a person I find that he is. Unlike Highlander, he doesn't say he is one way and then I find out he's not that. Former Dance Partner, or FDP, just doesn't say. He just is.

However, we're really still just friends. He's never held my hand or put his arm around me. But hope springs eternal, right? I'm trying to have a little faith, because the realist in me says I should give it up. The optimist in me says the realist is just impatient (as is my mother). We'll see who wins out.

My struggle finding a job

I've been looking for a job since I've been back in UT, and it has not been the most productive search. But you never know what is going to come your way, so you just keep plugging along, hoping, with faith in the Lord that something is bound to work out.

Back in July, I applied for a position at a charter school. At a similar time, a position opened up in a school district I REALLY like for a full time Drama teacher. I applied, looked up the program, and took my resume and a cover letter into the principal, and told all my friends and family to pray I got the job. The following Monday, I had an interview at the charter school. It was only a one hour drama position, so pretty much all they'd give me was some experience to get a better job later. The next day they called me and offered me the position along with a one hour Reading Specialist job. That's all they could offer me. I was still hoping for the full time position at the public school, and I really couldn't make a living just working there, so I declined. And then the public school didn't even call me for an interview. Mildly disappointing (to say the least)

Fast forward three(ish) weeks. I finally managed to get a hold of a lady who runs an Elementary School Ballroom Dance program. She said there was a position at a Jr. High available. Well, I love middle school, so I emailed her my resume and I got a call from the principle the next day. We scheduled an interview for Monday (yesterday), and I went in. I had the feeling that there really was no one else for the position, so the job was pretty much in the bag. I accepted it because I would really love to teach ballroom. Might as well do what I love, right? Sadly, this too is a two hour a day program, but there is after school work, and I'll help out with the tech side of theater teaching kids outside of class. So there is room to grow, which is the benefit over the charter school.

Then, today, I got a phone call from the school where I used to teach dance up north and they wanted me to interview for the dance position that I used to have that the teacher just resigned from. This time, it would actually be a full time position because I would do part time at one middle school and part time at another, which adds up to full time. However, it is not ballroom, its just plain dance. And I don't want to teach dance, and I don't want to take classes to get the credential for something I don't want to teach. So I told them I wouldn't come in to interview. Which is kind of sad because the principle wrote in my letter of recommendation that he would hire me again, so the interview was probably just a formality. But I would have to drive two hours every day for the job, plus my prep period would be spent driving from one school to the other. And I do still need time to study.

So I am teaching ballroom for basically peanuts right now. I will hopefully be able to teach for the elementary school program in the morning, and my landlady wants me to sell shoes for her a couple days a week, and I'll be working at least one night a week at the game store. And trying to fit my school work around it. I am, truly, insane.

Road Trip!

I have no pictures, but here was my weekend. My cousin got married on Saturday, so I went down. Here's the breakdown:

Tues: My sister in WA decides that my mom is heartbroken that she can't make it (because my dad was going to drive her down, but then his long haul trucking schedule got messed up, so she couldn't make it because he wasn't home to take her), so my sister buys her a one way ticket down to SLC (which was cheaper than flying to LAX, and she could drive down with us) and we find her a ride back afterward.

Wed: My mother flies down, I pick her up first thing in the morning.

Thurs: My mother, Blondie (my prego sister) and I drive from UT to Vegas. Takes longer than I anticipate (I planned on having to stop every hour for my sister to walk around for a few minutes and on my mother needing to use the bathroom all the time) because we stopped for an hour for dinner. We stayed with my cousin and her husband. My mother hasnt' met any of my cousins spouses, she can't ever afford to go to the weddings, not to mention she doesn't talk to one of her sisters and rarely to her mother. It was nice to see my cousin and just chat, even though we'd see each other in another couple days.

Fri: We drive to LA to stay with my uncle whose son was getting married. We stopped to get gas off the 210, but we couldn't find a gas station. We stopped at several exits, but no gas station. Even in shopping centers. We finally stopped and asked and had to go five or six more lights down before we ran into one. Fortunately, there was another freeway entrance right next to the gas station (yeah, that was just a LITTLE annoying). My sister took a nap after this, and I got on my OWN computer and watched a little Castle on Hulu. Also chatted with a couple people who I haven't been able to chat with recently. My grandfather sent me to get food, but that was the only qualification he gave me. My mom, grandfather, sister and I chatted. We talked about the different pets my mom had growing up. Now I know why we had so many pets growing up. And I fully intend to have pets when my children are growing up. They are so much fun!

Sat: I was sent out to buy groceries for breakfast. My grandfather asked me what kind of toast I wanted. I said "toasted". My grandfather laughed because those are the same kind of answers he gives to questions!! Yes, I have my grandfather's sense of humor. He told me to get a quart of eggs. I had to ask someone where to find those. I was so confused, until they pointed me to the pre-cracked/mixed eggs! Duh, Treatqueen. My grandfather made scrambled eggs for breakfast, after which, I fell asleep on the couch. Then I dragged my sister to DSW because I needed shoes that didn't hurt my feet. I found some super cute shoes!! I was very happy with them, though they weren't what I had orignially planned on buying. Then my mom took a nap, and then my sister took a nap. I surfed the web. I took a shower and then went outside to dry my hair due to the lack of a blow dryer and the fact that it was stinking hot outside. My grandfather drove us to the wedding, but his passenger side window got stuck, so it was open the whole way down the freeway (good thing my hair didn't need too much upkeep!). The wedding was outside, which was HOT! even in the shade. Our side of the family took up four rows and four tables at dinner! We are getting pretty big, and not even half of my immediate family was there! The wedding was nice, and then we went into the clubhouse to wait for dinner. We were in there for about an hour. There was a bar and a couple tables of fruit, cheese and crackers. This time gave us a chance to all chat. I got to talk to nearly all my relatives. My mother took the chance to meet all the spouses of my cousins and even talked to her mother. I was very proud of her. Then we went in for dinner. We had a salad and then a chicken dish with mashed potatoes and vegetables. There was WAY too much chicken, so my mother got some foil to take some home. Then my aunt L started collecting chicken for my mom to take home. It was pretty funny. We talked some more during dinner because it took a long time. Then they started the dancing. The first few were alright, but then they started getting into the popular, hip hop type music (along with all the language that goes with that and content). After a while of that, it was getting late, especially for my sister and mother, so we decided to go home. I had to go around through the side gate and in the back door because we didn't have the right keys to get in the front door.

Sun: We got up around six and got ready to leave. I made some french toast for breakfast. Both grandpa and my uncle G got up to see us off. We drove the entire day. It was hot outside! I could feel it through the windows, even though the A/C was on. We didn't really stop much. My sister was in the back most of the time. I did have my mother drive part way. That was nice to take a break after driving so much this weekend. We got to my sister's house late in the evening and stayed there for a while because my dad and grandma came over to pick up my mother. My dad drives long haul and he was taking my mom home. So I got to see my grandmother who I almost never get to see. Its been at least five years, probably more. Then I went home. It was nice to sleep in my own bed.

The insanity continues

This morning I picked up my mother from the airport. She is driving with my prego sister and I down to LA for my cousins wedding. The wedding is Saturday evening and we drive back Sunday so that my mom can ride back home with my dad. We bought the ticket for her to come out yesterday. Craziness.

Also, yesterday, I had to turn down a job offer because it was only for two hours a day! And in the middle of the day. There is a full time position available a little ways south and I am !praying! that I get that one. Any help would be appreciated.

I'm sure there is more insanity, but that's all I can think of right now. The brain is a little fried from the craziness.

Random tidbits

I am not getting online as frequently as I used to because of my new location. I don't have wireless so I have to use a different computer to get online, which results in less time online. So if you see my activity decrease, that is why. I also have more things to keep me busy (read: four children) so I don't spend as much time idling around online.

I am very excited to be back in Utah. I have finished my travels; going back to CA to pick up the rest of my stuff and visiting my grandparents, and am now settling into summer. I am still looking for a teaching job come the fall, but I have a part time summer job at the game store and will also be selling shoes for my landlady.

Funny story. This morning, I was painting the little girl's fingernails and Baby decided he needed his nails done too. Well, my landlord is anti boys doing anything that can be considered "girly" so we cut and filed them. Unfortunatly, Baby then managed to get a hold of one of the nail polishes while I was doing my last coat. I didn't think he would be able to get the lid off because the lid comes off and then you have to untwist the cap. Well, he did. And I caught him just before he completely opened it. But I got silver nail polish all over my hands. And some of my nails (that are painted a different color). Smart little fart.

Also, I think I need to get back into dancing.

Update

I figured I should probably post something new because I'm somewhere else doing something different.

I have moved back to Utah!!! I never thought I would be excited about that, but I am. I just miss the atmosphere, waving at my neighbors. I miss having all the stores I shop at being so close and I miss not having to drive through LA traffic. I like being close enough to visit my friends.

I am back in the same living situation, which will be good for me to save some money! I also got my old job back, though I won't have many hours. Still, that's better than nothing!

I do have to go back to CA this weekend to get the rest of my stuff. I think I may have managed to sell the bunkbed and desk that don't fit in my car.

The next weekend, my baby sister and I are going to visit my grandparents, whom I haven't visited in like two years. I'll have to bring some books and movies with me to keep from being bored. Any suggestions? I will take a trip to the library.

Life is good. Breathe a deep sigh of relief. Everything works out, even if its not the way we planned.

I am feeling much better about myself and my life.

Well, that's that

Highlander and I had a talk today. After two weeks of awkwardness we have decided to move on. Well, I was still for working things out, but he's done some soul searching and some praying and he feels that it is wrong to continue because its not right and it would be dishonest to lead me on. Which I kind of knew would happen. He was not invested in the relationship like I was and the Lord has been preparing me for the breakup. He (the Lord) told me to just 'let him go'. So I did. You can't make someone choose something they don't want.

The good news though is that I am moving back to Utah! Highlander was really the only reason I was staying in CA; I couldn't get a job and the cost of living was making things really difficult for me. So now that that is gone, I can move back with a light heart and hopefully find some joy again. I don't really enjoy living in California. Now its just figuring out the logistics of moving back.

Yes, I am insane. I would like it to calm down a bit, but it never seems to.

Onward and upward!!

I hope that something better comes along

This is the world I live in

I am in the process of applying for jobs and this was on one of the district sites, a newly formed district:

"Our new district is attracting strong interest from talented
teacher candidates, particularly in the middle of a national teacher shortage."

and then

"In addition, with a relatively strong economy here in Utah, our public schools are the beneficiaries of
more difficult economic circumstances in other states – in Los Angeles alone, as many 5,400 teachers and
support staff could be laid off due to budget cuts."

Yeah. So obviously Southern California is NOT the place to be as a teacher. Because apparently, there is a national teacher shortage!! How ironic.

Twitterpated

So a couple weeks ago, I told my good friend Scully that I liked a boy. She asked me if I was twitterpated. Not wanting to reveal too much, I asked what her definition of twitterpated was. She asked if I was smiling for no reason and a couple other things. Well, I wasn't really at the time, but I thought I was probably twitterpated anyway.

Now, I am smiling for no reason, so it must be official. I catch myself doing it randomly throughout the day, which then makes me smile more. I just feel warm and fuzzy inside, and it makes me smile.

Ok. I'm a little cheesy. Sorry.

Not much else is going on. In the middle of spring break, but not doing much.