What I'm really looking for

So in response to my last post, I tried to define what a great guy is. As I was trying to put that into words, I wrote that "He's one of those people you love to be around because you always feel uplifted in his presence. "  As I sat there looking at those words, I realized, that's it. That's what I'm really looking for. That's why some of these guys are really nice guys, but I just can't like them. I don't feel uplifted or edified by them. That's one of the reasons I hung out with FDP for so long, I always felt better about myself and about life when I was around him, and not because his life sucked. 


That's a hard thing to find. At least I can put a name to it now, instead of some vague feeling and me saying "I just don't think I like him"

Positive and Negative

I'm at one of those points where I am so frustrated. I have been taking a break from dating. I was planning on going back to making an effort in June, a full year from when I decided I was done with dating, but the last week, I've been getting the feeling that faith is a principle of action. And since I have faith that I will get married, I feel like I should start making an effort again. I'm just not sure how what exactly that action is.

In the meantime, I have been going out with guys if they actually ask me out. The latest guy is a convert of about 2 years and moved here from Arkansas to go to BYU. First we just went to dinner because it was a blind date. Then we went up to the Conference Center for the Sunday morning session of Conference and we just went to the BYU Ballroom Dance Concert. I don't really like the way he offers me his arm. Weird, I know, and not a deal breaker, but its a little weird to take a guy's arm and then he still holds it away from him. That doesn't really help me at all because my hand slides around. He needs to reconnect his arm to his ribcage so that I feel like he's taking care of me, not just looking like it. And he sent a text message in the middle of the show tonight. Kinda bugs. That on top of him making posts on Facebook during Conference. When President Uchtdorf said some of you have already sent a text or notification that its been 10 minutes and he hasn't talked about aviation, that was Convert!! I really liked that Pres. Uchtdorf then said there was a time for everything, and that wasn't the time to be on FB.

Of course, then I feel bad because the latest First Presidency message says that you find what you are looking for; if you look for the good, you will find the good, and if you look for the bad, you will find that too. Sadly, judging from what I think about Convert, I think I've been looking for the bad. Which isn't promising. I need to start looking for the good on dates. Because there will always be something wrong. Might as well find something you like. I do think, however, that if we keeping doing things, this relationship is going to take a long time to get off the ground.

I am still frustrated with dating. I know so many great guys, but I don't feel like I date any great guys. It could be all in my perspective. I guess I'll be working on that.

Emotional exhaustion

I've been having a hard time lately with Sundays. They don't leave me feeling uplifted and strengthened like they usually do. I've been trying to figure out why that is, and I think I've hit on part of it.
I really don't want to sit by people who aren't my friends. And I don't mean by people who aren't friendly. Everyone in my ward is friendly and nice. I don't want to sit by those people who haven't proven themselves to by my friends. I only want to sit by people I like. I was explaining this to my sister today who is studying to be a Marriage Family therapist (hereafter to be MFT) and she gave me a list of reasons why I might feel this way. I finally said that I can't expend the energy to be nice to them, to reach out to them and that's when she told me I was probably emotionally exhausted. I am generally pretty physically tired too, but I do manage to get sleep (not as much as I should with a night job, but enough that I can stay afloat). But emotionally, I am just drained. I simply cannot spend the energy on anyone else, I just don't have it. Its not there.

I was doing alright until my baby sister moved in. I'll have to tell you the story behind her later, but the parts that affect this post are that she gets off work around midnight one o'clock, but doesn't generally come home until between 3 and 5am. And since I hadn't had time to get a key made, I had to wake up to let her in. This was not good. Then the other day she got up and I talked to her (normally one of us leaves before the other is awake) and she sounded just terrible. I told her she needed to take some time off, but she made some excuse. When I came home later that day, she was out on the couch because she had gone to the doctor. She has some sort of viral infection. She's basically been asleep at my house for the past four days. She just takes up so much of my energy, worrying about her because she's making stupid decisions, not sleeping or eating enough so she is basically killing herself and a variety of other things. Like her boyfriend coming over on Friday night and he made her dinner. I got up the next morning and found that he had used my food (technically its hers too, but its not his) and hadn't even done the dishes. I'm sorry, but cooking in someone else's kitchen and then not doing the dishes is really low. And I have to take care of some things for my mom too because she doesn't know how to use the internet. And considering I work all hours of the day and night, I just don't have the energy to care for anyone else, or to reach out to that poor soul at church that needs a friend. Its just not in my right now.

Maybe this summer when I only have one job.

To date, or not to date

My life has been rather insane lately, in case you couldn't tell by the lack of postings. I moved out of my house where I lived with four children and felt like part of a family and into an apartment on the other side of town with my sister. My student loans came due, and I realized that with rent and those student loans, I absolutely had to have another job, I could no longer wait to get another one. Well, after looking all summer for a full time teaching job, I finally came to the conclusion that that probably wasn't going to happen. So I started looking for another part time position. I finally found one; the only draw back is that it is a night job. I teach English online, mostly to Koreans. During their daylight hours, which happen to be the middle of the night here. So I basically work and sleep. And work and sleep some more.  The good news is that I love every one of my four jobs. I really enjoy all of them. However, whenever I tell someone that I am working four jobs, they ask "Not much time left for dating, is there?" And then I adjust the truth to say that there is a little time. Which there is, but I don't really want to spend my free time dating.

Truth be told, I'm tired of dating. REALLY tired. I made a dedicated effort to do so this last year. I went on 8 dates in three weeks in April. I consistently try to say yes when a guy asks me out. But (I figured out this morning) I am just burnt out on dating. I've worked really hard to find someone who likes me and I like them. I'm not really that picky, especially since most of the men where I live actually fit my standards. But its just not in the cards at this point. And I know its cliché, but maybe its not me. I worked all year dating, I tried really hard to go out with lots of different guys, I tried to give guys a fair chance, but nothing has worked out. And I'm tired of it. I have to pay off my student loans. I'd like to pay off my credit card. And since I can't control boys, I can at least control myself. So, yes, I work so much there is very little time for boys. But I'm happy that I'm busy and I feel better knowing that I am getting myself out of debt. Because if I were to wait for a boy, I would just be getting further into debt. I don't think that's something the Lord wants. And I'm sure that if the Lord meant me to be married by this point, something would have happened. Its not like I don't have the "I would really like to be married soon" conversation with the Lord EVERY NIGHT. So if you think you have the ear of the Lord and he'll listen to you, feel free to talk to him about it. But as for me, I have to live my life and I am just burnt out on dating.

President Faust has said that there is a time for us to do everything we want to do, just not all at the same time. And what I am doing right now if paying off my debt. And then, when I'm not so burnt out on dating, I'll try again. But now is not the time.

Constitution

Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.

John Adams (1735-1826) Second President of the USA.


I found this quote the other day and quite liked it. I would have to say that the people of the United States are falling away from being 'moral and religious people'. While the vast majority of people still believe in a god, I don't know that as a whole, we can be considered such. An interesting thought.

A thought

I have been having a bit of a struggle lately with life. I feel sometimes like I can't get anywhere. I can't find a job, I rent a room (don't even have my own space) and boys are pretty much in the negative numbers.  I get depressed quite often, something I am working on changing. But I was reading Elder Hallstrom's talk from this last conference and he says "Throughout the world and among the membership of the Church, there is great joy and great pain. Both are part of the plan. Without one, we cannot know the other" (Ensign, May 2010 p79). So even though I feel great pain and suffering (which I probably blow out of proportion, but aren't our trials suited to us to be trials for us, not for others?), if I did not know that pain, I wouldn't appreciate the great joy that is in store.

So now, I just need to be patient and know that however exquisite my pains, my joy will be just as exquisite and sweet.

Pacific Northwest

I taught Summer School this last summer and partway through I realized I was burnt out and needed a real vacation. So I flew out to the great PNW to visit Scully. I only spent three days out there, which probably wasn't enough, but I had a fabulous time and the weather was perfect. I only remembered my camera one day when we went to a state park where there were tide pools. It was wonderful. I had a great time.

A little crab. These little guys were all over the place.

One, lonely starfish

Not lonely starfish. In a crevice

Anenomes out of the water

Anemones  in the water

Myself and Scully

Reminds me of home

In the moss on a rock

Looking out over the tide pools

A collection of starfish

Another forest path

Scully, looking out over the ocean

This is where I saw a sea otter run for cover. I wasn't fast enough with the camera though

Part of the beach

We went to a park later in the day and just walked around. It reminded me of all the hikes I took growing up. Hiking amongst the trees is certainly cooler than over the rocks, which is what the hiking is like here.

Park bridge

Some of the falls we saw

I studied this phenomenon in high school. The old, dead tree gives nourishment to the new living tree.

Centipede. We used to have these on our property.

More falls.

It really was a great vacation. Recharged my battery. Thanks Scully, for letting me visit!