Story of my Life

I've been offline for a bit because my new condo (pictures coming soon) does not yet have internet. Today I was at my old apartment and logged onto Facebook to find that a guy I had dated in July is now engaged. Three months after he told me that he wasn't ready to be seriously dating. Why is that always the case? Why do I have to always be the one they don't want to date? I've had other guys get engaged in less time than that after he broke up with me. My first boyfriend did that. My second one was engaged 3 months after he got back off his mission. The third one, well, he just didn't want to actually date me, but he was fine kissing me. The fourth didn't actually like kissing me (not sure what happened to him). Another guy liked me just fine, but then not decided to go out with me because an old girlfriend told him he was a player and he was still in love with her. He ended up dating someone else just a few months later too.


Blerg.

What I'm really looking for

So in response to my last post, I tried to define what a great guy is. As I was trying to put that into words, I wrote that "He's one of those people you love to be around because you always feel uplifted in his presence. "  As I sat there looking at those words, I realized, that's it. That's what I'm really looking for. That's why some of these guys are really nice guys, but I just can't like them. I don't feel uplifted or edified by them. That's one of the reasons I hung out with FDP for so long, I always felt better about myself and about life when I was around him, and not because his life sucked. 


That's a hard thing to find. At least I can put a name to it now, instead of some vague feeling and me saying "I just don't think I like him"

Positive and Negative

I'm at one of those points where I am so frustrated. I have been taking a break from dating. I was planning on going back to making an effort in June, a full year from when I decided I was done with dating, but the last week, I've been getting the feeling that faith is a principle of action. And since I have faith that I will get married, I feel like I should start making an effort again. I'm just not sure how what exactly that action is.

In the meantime, I have been going out with guys if they actually ask me out. The latest guy is a convert of about 2 years and moved here from Arkansas to go to BYU. First we just went to dinner because it was a blind date. Then we went up to the Conference Center for the Sunday morning session of Conference and we just went to the BYU Ballroom Dance Concert. I don't really like the way he offers me his arm. Weird, I know, and not a deal breaker, but its a little weird to take a guy's arm and then he still holds it away from him. That doesn't really help me at all because my hand slides around. He needs to reconnect his arm to his ribcage so that I feel like he's taking care of me, not just looking like it. And he sent a text message in the middle of the show tonight. Kinda bugs. That on top of him making posts on Facebook during Conference. When President Uchtdorf said some of you have already sent a text or notification that its been 10 minutes and he hasn't talked about aviation, that was Convert!! I really liked that Pres. Uchtdorf then said there was a time for everything, and that wasn't the time to be on FB.

Of course, then I feel bad because the latest First Presidency message says that you find what you are looking for; if you look for the good, you will find the good, and if you look for the bad, you will find that too. Sadly, judging from what I think about Convert, I think I've been looking for the bad. Which isn't promising. I need to start looking for the good on dates. Because there will always be something wrong. Might as well find something you like. I do think, however, that if we keeping doing things, this relationship is going to take a long time to get off the ground.

I am still frustrated with dating. I know so many great guys, but I don't feel like I date any great guys. It could be all in my perspective. I guess I'll be working on that.

To date, or not to date

My life has been rather insane lately, in case you couldn't tell by the lack of postings. I moved out of my house where I lived with four children and felt like part of a family and into an apartment on the other side of town with my sister. My student loans came due, and I realized that with rent and those student loans, I absolutely had to have another job, I could no longer wait to get another one. Well, after looking all summer for a full time teaching job, I finally came to the conclusion that that probably wasn't going to happen. So I started looking for another part time position. I finally found one; the only draw back is that it is a night job. I teach English online, mostly to Koreans. During their daylight hours, which happen to be the middle of the night here. So I basically work and sleep. And work and sleep some more.  The good news is that I love every one of my four jobs. I really enjoy all of them. However, whenever I tell someone that I am working four jobs, they ask "Not much time left for dating, is there?" And then I adjust the truth to say that there is a little time. Which there is, but I don't really want to spend my free time dating.

Truth be told, I'm tired of dating. REALLY tired. I made a dedicated effort to do so this last year. I went on 8 dates in three weeks in April. I consistently try to say yes when a guy asks me out. But (I figured out this morning) I am just burnt out on dating. I've worked really hard to find someone who likes me and I like them. I'm not really that picky, especially since most of the men where I live actually fit my standards. But its just not in the cards at this point. And I know its cliché, but maybe its not me. I worked all year dating, I tried really hard to go out with lots of different guys, I tried to give guys a fair chance, but nothing has worked out. And I'm tired of it. I have to pay off my student loans. I'd like to pay off my credit card. And since I can't control boys, I can at least control myself. So, yes, I work so much there is very little time for boys. But I'm happy that I'm busy and I feel better knowing that I am getting myself out of debt. Because if I were to wait for a boy, I would just be getting further into debt. I don't think that's something the Lord wants. And I'm sure that if the Lord meant me to be married by this point, something would have happened. Its not like I don't have the "I would really like to be married soon" conversation with the Lord EVERY NIGHT. So if you think you have the ear of the Lord and he'll listen to you, feel free to talk to him about it. But as for me, I have to live my life and I am just burnt out on dating.

President Faust has said that there is a time for us to do everything we want to do, just not all at the same time. And what I am doing right now if paying off my debt. And then, when I'm not so burnt out on dating, I'll try again. But now is not the time.

More on Marriage

I was talking to my friend again this week and she again commented on how some guys have told her that they just wish that I would stop wanted to get married so badly and then guys would flock to me.

I've been thinking about that for a while and I thought, I can't stop wanting to get married. That's like asking me to stop wanting to progress, or to stop wanting exaltation. It's just not going to happen. Marriage in my mind is explicitly linked to exaltation. I've spent too much time in the temple to think otherwise. I cannot stop wanting marriage. It is a commandment! Stop wanting to follow commandments? Really? Is that what you're asking me to do?

And further, I don't think I want guys to flock to me. I just want one really good one. I don't need lots of them. Because most of them aren't what I'm looking for. And I get tired of sorting through the . . . not so good ones. I'm past the point where I want lots of guys around me.

I think I'll stick with the Lord's advice. Chill out. Still a struggle, but much easier to follow. And reasonable too.

I recently read an article about marriage myths and this one in particular struck me:

Marriage Myth: If there’s no spark, you’re doomed.
Many married couples understand intellectually that they won’t always experience that I’ve-been-drugged-by-love feeling in a long-term relationship. “But many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love. The mistake here is to believe that you can live forever on fireworks, or even just love, alone.

I think perhaps because I've had a relationship that started out with commitment, of sorts, and the trust grew and then love came out of it. Sadly for me, it was a little one-sided, so nothing ever went anywhere, but it was a great relationship. I felt safe in it, the good safe. I think that our society has placed too much stock in the "fireworks" department, and the commitment and trust that should happen in relationships doesn't. It makes me a little sad because making that kind of commitment and keeping it creates one of the best relationships on the planet.

Not that I would actually know, but just a thought.

Done!!!

So I have finished my coursework for my Master's!! This means I have a lot more time. Which is good. Except that I now am feeling anxious about getting a job, or getting another job. If I could get another one now, that would be great. I also need one for the summer and having a full time teaching position for next year would be really amazing. Then I could get that house that I want. That I don't want to start looking for yet because I don't have an income to make payments on.

And my huge frustration . . . boys. Yes, I know, its a never ending frustration. But I've gone out with a couple boys and dated a couple boys and I just don't understand them. They are just too happy hanging out. They don't want to commit. I think what instigated this was I went out about a week and a half ago with one guy I'd been out with previously, and we went to a show and he didn't even put his arm around me. He's 31, what on earth is he waiting for?!? And if he really isn't interested, why is he going out with me? I just don't understand. At least make a move so I can decide how much I like you.

New Years and such

I saw three movies over the Christmas, quite a lot for me when I don't really have the money. One of those movies was Avatar in 3D. This pic is me and my baby sister and baby brother in our 3D glasses. Not babies so much anymore, but they are still the babies of the family. By the way, I totally recommend Avatar. I thought it would be dumb, but it was really good. FDP is obsessed with it.


I made goodies for the holidays as well. This is what happens when people bake with me. They end up with flour handprints on them. Sadly, this boy is only 19, so a flour handprint is about as far as it goes.

I really just thought I should post some pics. Now on to more interesting material.

New Year's brought me two dates. I know, the mind reels. Two in one day, normally I'm lucky to get two in a month. On the way home from the airport, I asked FDP what he was doing for New Years, and he didn't have plans, but he said he would like to go dancing. Well you know me, like I'm ever going to turn down dancing, especially from my favorite partner. So that was my night plan. My other date came from a guy I ran into the last time I went dancing. He was in a dance class I TA'd way back when. Before my sister, the Blonde's, mission. He found me on Facebook and we decided to get together. He asked if I'd like to go snowshoeing. I'm always up for something new. So we went up to Little Cottonwood Canyon and snowshoed up to Donut Falls. And I, like a dummy, forgot my camera. It was beautiful. And I was warm the whole time!! May I recommend layering properly? It makes a world of difference. Hopefully another activity will follow.

I did the same thing this New Year's Eve as last New Year's Eve. Considering it is my favorite activity, I am not complaining in the least. And it is always hilarious when FDP sucks helium and wishes me Happy New Year sounding like a chipmunk. I laugh every time. At least I didn't come home with the revelation that I was in love with my best friend this time.

Rest and Relaxation

Now that I have time to write a post, I have nothing to say. Nothing is interesting in my life at the moment. I went home for Christmas, got to spend time with my family. I think I am doing better on that front. I used to just go home for Christmas for two days, I'm managing a week now. Of course, the fact that I've found several old friends on Facebook and now get to visit them does help quite a bit. So I was able to see some old friends, and made it out to visit a friend about an hour away who is taking care of her mom.

I've come to the conclusion of late that I am a selfish person and I need to get out and serve people more. Since I haven't had as many things going on in the last week, I've come to see that there are people who need me to visit and support them. I visited with a friend who is struggling with some things in her marriage and realized that I should be there to support her. My sister needs support, she gets bored staying home with a baby all day. And it meant a lot to the friend I visited over Christmas that I came. I've been so focused lately on myself and my problems that I haven't reached out to anyone else and I need to.

In further news, the problem that I've been focusing on is my relationship with men. Which is going nowhere, so I think its time to focus on some other things. I'm about done with FDP, he'll have to change some things before anything happens and I'm not seeing that happen anytime soon.

So on to a less selfish me! Let's see how long that resolution lasts.

Up and Running!!

We finally got internet again! Yay!!! And I now have wireless, so I am back to using my own computer!! I suppose that means I'll get back to posting pics too. . . . Eventually.

Not that much has changed, just little stuff going on. I am tired of my homework, but still plugging away. I just sent off my Graduation Requirement Check (only 6 months late) so hopefully that will go well. Working on getting dance routines for my middle schoolers and getting them ready for competition. And seriously wondering if FDP is ever going to make a serious move. Sometimes I just want to shake him and ask if he has any idea what our relationship really looks like. Because what it looks like and what he says it is are two totally different things. Two of his other dance partners have talked to me and asked why we weren't dating, girls who I really only have contact with through him. And not in the, "I want to see if I can date him if you're not" way, but the, "you guys are best friends, why is there nothing going on?" way. Our relationship is always hard to read, because such small things happen, I'm not sure if I should count it as moving forward, or just leave it because they are so small, does he even realize its different? But I'd like to think we're making marginal progress.

Anyway, obviously I think about it a lot. The good news is, I know he overanalyzes things too. So its not just me.

Recent news

Sometimes my life totally reflects the title of my blog.

I've been working a lot lately. Not really much to tell on that front, but I'm glad I'm working. I love teaching, though I seem to only get in trouble at one school. I held the kids too long one day and apparently am not allowed to give them candy either. But other than that, teaching is great.

Two weeks ago, I started school again. After school, I flew to CA, went straight to my class, then went to a friend's house to sleep. I got up early in the morning to fly back. Everything was great until I got to where my flight connected and the flight was delayed. I pretty much missed my first class. Fortunately, someone could cover for me. Then last weekend I drove down to CA for my other classes. I stayed with one of the ladies in my program Friday night and then we drove to class. That night I drove to my aunt's in Vegas and stayed the night. I watched the morning session of conference and then drove home. I caught part of the afternoon session on the radio. I will be very happy when I am done with my courses.

And the last bit of news is that there is a boy in my life. The bad news is that this boy has been in my life for a long time and nothing has ever happened between us. But I'm feeling that there will be a change. I just keep hoping it will be sooner rather than later.
Here are some of the influencing details:
We've danced together and have developed a relationship of trust
We both like to go to the Symphony
He slugged me when I didn't take him the Shakespeare festival two years ago, but then went without me this year
We go hot tubbing or swimming almost every week. And sometimes go twice to make up for the times we miss.
He goes with me to all the movie musicals. And sometimes he's the one who suggests them
He takes me to dinner occasionally
He likes kids
He comes up with the ideas, but then I have to plan them
Pretty much, I spend at least one night a week with him, generally two or more.
He is my best friend. I trust him completely and I'm comfortable around him.
The more I learn about him, the better a person I find that he is. Unlike Highlander, he doesn't say he is one way and then I find out he's not that. Former Dance Partner, or FDP, just doesn't say. He just is.

However, we're really still just friends. He's never held my hand or put his arm around me. But hope springs eternal, right? I'm trying to have a little faith, because the realist in me says I should give it up. The optimist in me says the realist is just impatient (as is my mother). We'll see who wins out.

Blind Date

I went on a blind date this last weekend. He's a doctor from about four hours south. He was in town to visit family and his sister set us up. On Friday, we went up to Sundance to see the Fantasticks, which was quite fun. And we chatted. Then he asked me out for Saturday and we went to see an independent film and have dinner. And then we walked around downtown and one of the shopping centers where there is a musical fountain (which incidentally, turns off at ten o'clock).

Now, he is good looking, funny, nice and a doctor. But he is almost 11 years older than me. I would like your opinions on this. Good, bad, stories? I have a tendency to date younger men, so that much older scares me a little. Let me know what you think.

Reflecting

So I had a chat with a girlfriend today about my relationship with Highlander, and I've noticed something interesting. Both Highlander and Molasses Man considered our breakups mutual. I'm not sure why that was, because I didn't want to break up either time. Maybe because I didn't put up a fight. But I think that if you both don't want it, what's the point? Maybe that's my problem, I let them have their own opinions and don't force them to do something different.
Maybe they just need to feel that its mutual to make them feel better about themselves.
Just an interesting connection I had this morning.

Well, that's that

Highlander and I had a talk today. After two weeks of awkwardness we have decided to move on. Well, I was still for working things out, but he's done some soul searching and some praying and he feels that it is wrong to continue because its not right and it would be dishonest to lead me on. Which I kind of knew would happen. He was not invested in the relationship like I was and the Lord has been preparing me for the breakup. He (the Lord) told me to just 'let him go'. So I did. You can't make someone choose something they don't want.

The good news though is that I am moving back to Utah! Highlander was really the only reason I was staying in CA; I couldn't get a job and the cost of living was making things really difficult for me. So now that that is gone, I can move back with a light heart and hopefully find some joy again. I don't really enjoy living in California. Now its just figuring out the logistics of moving back.

Yes, I am insane. I would like it to calm down a bit, but it never seems to.

Onward and upward!!

I hope that something better comes along

One step at a time

Here is a picture of Highlander. I think I can call him my boyfriend now. The 'l' word has been dropped.

Reality Check

This weekend, I went to visit the boy I like, who for the purposes of the blog shall be known as Highlander. No matter how much I like him, he is still a boy. I saw his bedroom and bathroom. They definitely belonged to a boy. And boys are kind of gross. And he eats like a boy. Lots of meat. That sits so heavy in my stomach.

What was I expecting at a bachelor's pad, though, right?

Twitterpated

So a couple weeks ago, I told my good friend Scully that I liked a boy. She asked me if I was twitterpated. Not wanting to reveal too much, I asked what her definition of twitterpated was. She asked if I was smiling for no reason and a couple other things. Well, I wasn't really at the time, but I thought I was probably twitterpated anyway.

Now, I am smiling for no reason, so it must be official. I catch myself doing it randomly throughout the day, which then makes me smile more. I just feel warm and fuzzy inside, and it makes me smile.

Ok. I'm a little cheesy. Sorry.

Not much else is going on. In the middle of spring break, but not doing much.

Crazy Busy

I realized I haven't really posted in a while. That is because my life has suddenly become jam-packed with things to do. Last quarter, all I had to do was my schooling, and this term, things have seemed to suddenly appear. I am working two part time jobs, and I think one of them is going to have to go. One of my classes has driven me crazy with the lack of clarity. Fortunately, two of my classes will be over this Tuesday and the last one is over this coming Sunday. So I will make it. And then I have a couple days off. But the family whose basement has all my stuff is moving, so somehow I have to get all my stuff moved. While I'm not in Utah, but in California.
And then on top of that, I thought I'd toss in a boy. Nothing has really started yet, but I like him and I'm pretty sure he likes me. And I currently think he's wonderful, even if he is a little goofy. We'll see if things stay that way.

Anonymous

Apparently I need to change my opinion about Valentine's Day. I'm in Utah, and my roommates in CA found these on my doorstep last night. Addressed to me. With no note saying who it was from.





They are really beautiful, but its driving me crazy that I don't know who they are from!!! I don't think that many people have my address.