I am iron

But only steel gets to the highest degree of heaven.

I have to become steel.

So God puts me into the fire.
And then he takes me out and beats me.

And then into the fire.
And then beat the imperfections out.

And again.

And again.

One day I will be steel.


But dang. What a painful process!!! :'(

Shattered

That's what happened to my self image last night talking to a friend. In a completely non-judgmental way, she told me that I flirt with everyone and guys can't tell if I'm flirting because I like them or because I just want to get married, because guys can tell I want to get married.

I have several thoughts on this and I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. Here's my little pride cycle.

One, I can't really help flirting. I get it from my mom and its part of who I am. I can't completely change myself and still feel like I'm not being fake. I believe that we should do like Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true". On the flip-side, I probably can tone things down a little and still be myself.

Two, why is it a bad thing to want to get married? Almost everyone wants to, even if they don't admit it. We're SUPPOSED to. Its part of The Plan. We're structured to want and need other people. So why is it a bad thing when people are comfortable being honest with themselves about what they want? On the flip-side, it may come across as being desperate.

Three, sometimes I feel that I am completely different from everyone I know. I feel like I'm living in a world of people who see things in a totally different way than I do. My friend was telling me the opinions of some of the guys we both know and some of the things they've said, and I just wonder how different we all are, but think we are the same. How many miscommunications come out of us thinking that we are the same, but have really different ways of thinking about the world. It sometimes makes me feel really alone and completely misunderstood.

Fourth, sometimes it becomes very clear that I don't totally understand myself. There are still things I discover that I didn't know where there and I don't know how to deal with. Such is the struggle of life, I presume.

In dealing with this, I realize that my friend's point of view is just one side and I need to take it with a grain of salt. I plan on taking what she said into consideration and adjust accordingly, but not completely. She is a different person than I am and I still have to be myself. But course corrections are part of the journey, and this may be one I need to change that one degree.

My one word of advice is this, when you start to ask the Lord to show you your flaws so that you can become a better person, be prepared for your pride to take a hit. And its going to be hard and hurt. The good news is you'll be a better person on the other side, if you learn from the experience.

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side:
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to they God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best they heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.


Sometimes I forget how much the Lord is aware of us and our trials. But at the lowest point, He always hears my cry and comforts me.

Laws and agency

I was thinking today about some topics of conversation that are deeper. Deeper than what's on tv, anyway. Which brought to my mind the current health care reform. Now to start off with, this post is not about health care reform. And I don't really know enough about it to have a strong opinion one way or another. However, its brings up the idea that the government is exerting more and more control over our lives. This is something I am opposed to. The reason is this: the government seems to feel the need to create more and more laws. Each succeeding president, or group of elected officials seems to feel that in order to be successful, they need to create some important law for the rest of us to abide by. (Why is this anyway?) The problem with this is that as the government exerts more control, the people are left with fewer choices. As we have fewer choices, we do not gain the experience we need to make wise choices. Especially when the consequences of our actions are removed (as American society loves to act without consequences). This makes us a weak people. Like the Israelites who were lead out of Egypt, they were slaves before and had not learned how to make wise choices. That is why they built the golden calf, they hadn't learned how to make wise choices. If we allow people to limit our choices, we are going to create a weak society who cannot make wise choices because they lack the opportunity to develop that skill.

As a respected leader once said “I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves.” (Messages of the First Presidency, comp. James R. Clark, 6 vols., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1965–75, 3:54.) This creates a strong people. The increase of government control as our nation has grown will only lead to our eventual downfall because we will be unable to make wise choices without someone there to dictate what to do. Oh, that we could govern ourselves instead of expecting the government to do it for us.

Done!!!

So I have finished my coursework for my Master's!! This means I have a lot more time. Which is good. Except that I now am feeling anxious about getting a job, or getting another job. If I could get another one now, that would be great. I also need one for the summer and having a full time teaching position for next year would be really amazing. Then I could get that house that I want. That I don't want to start looking for yet because I don't have an income to make payments on.

And my huge frustration . . . boys. Yes, I know, its a never ending frustration. But I've gone out with a couple boys and dated a couple boys and I just don't understand them. They are just too happy hanging out. They don't want to commit. I think what instigated this was I went out about a week and a half ago with one guy I'd been out with previously, and we went to a show and he didn't even put his arm around me. He's 31, what on earth is he waiting for?!? And if he really isn't interested, why is he going out with me? I just don't understand. At least make a move so I can decide how much I like you.

Attacked

So I realized today that it has been quite a while since I updated my blog. To which I say, its going to be a little bit longer.

Life has attacked me.

The sheer insanity of this next week just goes to prove the truthfulness of the title of my blog.

But as a fun little story while you're all waiting with baited breath
Tonight, the kids decided it was time for me to go to bed. So they dragged me upstairs, tucked me in, read me a story and put me to bed. It was quite entertaining. And if it hadn't been for the 10 page paper I need to be writing, I would have stayed in bed and gone to sleep. Even though it was only 7:00 pm.

New Years and such

I saw three movies over the Christmas, quite a lot for me when I don't really have the money. One of those movies was Avatar in 3D. This pic is me and my baby sister and baby brother in our 3D glasses. Not babies so much anymore, but they are still the babies of the family. By the way, I totally recommend Avatar. I thought it would be dumb, but it was really good. FDP is obsessed with it.


I made goodies for the holidays as well. This is what happens when people bake with me. They end up with flour handprints on them. Sadly, this boy is only 19, so a flour handprint is about as far as it goes.

I really just thought I should post some pics. Now on to more interesting material.

New Year's brought me two dates. I know, the mind reels. Two in one day, normally I'm lucky to get two in a month. On the way home from the airport, I asked FDP what he was doing for New Years, and he didn't have plans, but he said he would like to go dancing. Well you know me, like I'm ever going to turn down dancing, especially from my favorite partner. So that was my night plan. My other date came from a guy I ran into the last time I went dancing. He was in a dance class I TA'd way back when. Before my sister, the Blonde's, mission. He found me on Facebook and we decided to get together. He asked if I'd like to go snowshoeing. I'm always up for something new. So we went up to Little Cottonwood Canyon and snowshoed up to Donut Falls. And I, like a dummy, forgot my camera. It was beautiful. And I was warm the whole time!! May I recommend layering properly? It makes a world of difference. Hopefully another activity will follow.

I did the same thing this New Year's Eve as last New Year's Eve. Considering it is my favorite activity, I am not complaining in the least. And it is always hilarious when FDP sucks helium and wishes me Happy New Year sounding like a chipmunk. I laugh every time. At least I didn't come home with the revelation that I was in love with my best friend this time.