My career

One of the things I am struggling with right now is the fact that I can't get a full time position. I have the credentials to teach as a regular teacher, but right now I'm just working as a part time specialist. I have only taught full time for one year, but since then, I have never managed to teach more than part time. There are many reasons behind this, but today I finally figured out what the real issue is.

The real problem is that I never saw myself working. And if I did work, I wanted the kind of job that I loved, but wouldn't take up a lot of time so that I could spend the time I needed with my husband and kids. The good news is that I have my dream job. I LOVE it! I have a great time. The bad news is that I don't have the husband and kids to devote the rest of my time too.

More on Marriage

I was talking to my friend again this week and she again commented on how some guys have told her that they just wish that I would stop wanted to get married so badly and then guys would flock to me.

I've been thinking about that for a while and I thought, I can't stop wanting to get married. That's like asking me to stop wanting to progress, or to stop wanting exaltation. It's just not going to happen. Marriage in my mind is explicitly linked to exaltation. I've spent too much time in the temple to think otherwise. I cannot stop wanting marriage. It is a commandment! Stop wanting to follow commandments? Really? Is that what you're asking me to do?

And further, I don't think I want guys to flock to me. I just want one really good one. I don't need lots of them. Because most of them aren't what I'm looking for. And I get tired of sorting through the . . . not so good ones. I'm past the point where I want lots of guys around me.

I think I'll stick with the Lord's advice. Chill out. Still a struggle, but much easier to follow. And reasonable too.

Genesis

I've started reading the Old Testament in the last few weeks and I am struck by how often the people in it mess up and still the Lord blesses them. Over and over again I see how the people aren't perfect and how they don't do exactly what the Lord asks them to do. They aren't perfect, and yet the Lord still blesses them. (I haven't even gotten past all of Jacob's sons being born by the way). I think this is a lesson I need to learn, because I continue to get the same impression every time I read. These people were not perfect, they messed up, they didn't do exactly as the Lord asked them, though they were trying and communicated with Him. However, the Lord still blessed them.

I think maybe I expect too much of myself. I expect to be perfect and I get down on myself when I am not. But the Lord still loves me and can make my mistakes into a beautiful life. But I have to LET Him bless me. I think I am not doing that right now because I don't believe I should be blessed because of all the mistakes I have made, because I know that I don't follow him exactly.

Maybe I need to chill out a little.

Ups and Downs

My life is crazy. When its craziest, I have the best stories, but then I don't have time to write. Then when life calms down, I feel like I have nothing to say.

So I have time, but have no idea what I should be saying.

I am teaching summer school, but don't know what I'll be doing about a job between the end of summer school and the beginning of school in the fall. I only have a part time teaching job, which I only get paid hourly for. I am interviewing for a full time position, but because of the cuts in education funding lately, I probably won't be able to get one of those. Which I'm kind of ok with because I love working where I am working, but it makes the whole "I should buy a house" project a lot harder.

Also, I am very annoyed by those people who claim their trials are harder than mine. Of course yours seem more difficult to you! That's why they are YOURS!!! They wouldn't be trials if they weren't hard. And if you don't find them hard, then they wouldn't try you.

I find myself working on my faith. Even though the Lord has told me He will provide, sometimes I still think it won't happen. But I keep trying to have more faith.

Well, I think that's all I have right now. Good news is, I have a more positive attitude right now than about a month ago. So I am grateful for that.

I recently read an article about marriage myths and this one in particular struck me:

Marriage Myth: If there’s no spark, you’re doomed.
Many married couples understand intellectually that they won’t always experience that I’ve-been-drugged-by-love feeling in a long-term relationship. “But many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love. The mistake here is to believe that you can live forever on fireworks, or even just love, alone.

I think perhaps because I've had a relationship that started out with commitment, of sorts, and the trust grew and then love came out of it. Sadly for me, it was a little one-sided, so nothing ever went anywhere, but it was a great relationship. I felt safe in it, the good safe. I think that our society has placed too much stock in the "fireworks" department, and the commitment and trust that should happen in relationships doesn't. It makes me a little sad because making that kind of commitment and keeping it creates one of the best relationships on the planet.

Not that I would actually know, but just a thought.

I am iron

But only steel gets to the highest degree of heaven.

I have to become steel.

So God puts me into the fire.
And then he takes me out and beats me.

And then into the fire.
And then beat the imperfections out.

And again.

And again.

One day I will be steel.


But dang. What a painful process!!! :'(

Shattered

That's what happened to my self image last night talking to a friend. In a completely non-judgmental way, she told me that I flirt with everyone and guys can't tell if I'm flirting because I like them or because I just want to get married, because guys can tell I want to get married.

I have several thoughts on this and I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. Here's my little pride cycle.

One, I can't really help flirting. I get it from my mom and its part of who I am. I can't completely change myself and still feel like I'm not being fake. I believe that we should do like Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true". On the flip-side, I probably can tone things down a little and still be myself.

Two, why is it a bad thing to want to get married? Almost everyone wants to, even if they don't admit it. We're SUPPOSED to. Its part of The Plan. We're structured to want and need other people. So why is it a bad thing when people are comfortable being honest with themselves about what they want? On the flip-side, it may come across as being desperate.

Three, sometimes I feel that I am completely different from everyone I know. I feel like I'm living in a world of people who see things in a totally different way than I do. My friend was telling me the opinions of some of the guys we both know and some of the things they've said, and I just wonder how different we all are, but think we are the same. How many miscommunications come out of us thinking that we are the same, but have really different ways of thinking about the world. It sometimes makes me feel really alone and completely misunderstood.

Fourth, sometimes it becomes very clear that I don't totally understand myself. There are still things I discover that I didn't know where there and I don't know how to deal with. Such is the struggle of life, I presume.

In dealing with this, I realize that my friend's point of view is just one side and I need to take it with a grain of salt. I plan on taking what she said into consideration and adjust accordingly, but not completely. She is a different person than I am and I still have to be myself. But course corrections are part of the journey, and this may be one I need to change that one degree.

My one word of advice is this, when you start to ask the Lord to show you your flaws so that you can become a better person, be prepared for your pride to take a hit. And its going to be hard and hurt. The good news is you'll be a better person on the other side, if you learn from the experience.