Parent Teacher Conferences

Means that I've been at the school for 12 hours. And I'll be back in less than 12 hours. That is a very LONG day.

However, I had more people come than I've ever had before. That could be because I am teaching three times as many classes. It's still exciting. And I feel like an adult doing it, not a kid pretending to do a job too big. I am in my comfort zone and I feel like I have something to say that is important. That's a nice feeling.

I won the lottery!!!

Sort of. It wasn't like a money lottery. It was a house lottery. Which means that I won the right to purchase a home. So I am now in the process of trying to by a home!! Its a little condo, and I have to live there for 3 years, but I'm so excited!! More details to follow. :)

Sometimes you've just gotta cry

Its like a refreshing rain that washes all the dirt, grime and heartache away. You can look at the world anew, with fresh eyes. Clean out the hurt and the pain and then the sun will come out. Like the song says, you can see clearly now the rain is gone. But you have to have the rain to wash away the bad.

You have to hit the bottom sometimes before you can come back up.

And then you can see the good. I am a beautiful, talented, intelligent woman and I choose to face my world with diligence and faith and all things will work together for my good.

Miracles

So I have to admit that the Lord is mindful of me all the time. And while I'm definitely not at my destination, there are signposts along the way. Every once in a while, the Lord reminds me that he is there and that he is most definitely in charge.

So I've had some financial struggles of late. Not fun. I have a job for the fall and I can quit my night job which is basically destroying my health because I am not a night person and wake up way too early in the morning to be working past midnight. But I can't quit until my fall job starts and I have been considering getting another summer job because I really can't make ends meet. Well, I finally decided to NOT get another job; my health is not worth it. And I really need a little vacation before school starts. Right after I decided this, the friend I sell ballroom shoes for called and asked me to pick up a couple more hours this summer. And then another friend called to see if I could babysit her newborn in the fall. And then the government told me they were deferring my loan because of the classes I am taking (for my credential). So I will not be completely broke in September! Yay! I cannot tell you how excited I am for this.

That was Friday. I also went to the temple and had a great day with a friend and her two kids. Saturday, I spent with a different friend and her two kids and had an amazingly productive day. Sunday was pretty productive too. And then I went to the Parade again this year and sat with my ward. I spent the day with an amazing guy that I caught up with at the parade. I consider that a miracle too. I'm hoping the relationship lasts a bit longer. More on that later.

I have a testimony of how much the Lord loves me and how involved He is in my life. Rough it may be, but I would never trade having that protection.

Blerg

I don't even know how to start talking about what I want to post on. This is going to be a complaining post. I don't have very many people to talk to in person at the moment and I kinda need to get it out. Hopefully, I'll be able to move on once I've said it.

So right now, I'm struggling. Quite a bit. I'm not sure I'll have enough money to make it through the summer. I'm ready to quit my night job, but its the only thing that will keep me afloat until I start teaching school in the fall. I love the teaching part, but the middle of the night part, not so fun.

But I think the hardest part of my life right now is that I've transitioned from the singles ward into a family ward. It is so hard to be in a family ward. I've managed to ignore how much I want to get married and have a family while in the singles ward, but being in the family ward every week, I am surrounded by families. I think its especially hard because we just got about 30 new families from the BYU married wards because they broke them up. So I go to church and see these girls who are 23 and pregnant with their second and I can't even find a companion. To rub salt into the wound, I no longer have a social life. There are maybe three other singles in my ward: another girl probably 5 or 6 years older than me, and two older men. My friends from my old singles wards are integrating into their wards and in school and kind of are already out of the picture. And the guys that have seemed interested in the last 2 months, don't call. So I can't get a date, have no social life and am surrounded by everything I want and have managed to life without for the past 10 years. I think I cry in church every week.

I also room with my sister, and we are never home at the same time. We both work nights, but different hours, which means we also sleep at different hours and then have other things to take care of during the day. So we basically don't see each other.

So I work, because I'm broke, sleep days, because I work nights, and am exceptionally lonely. I'm hovering barely above rock bottom emotionally. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I know that what I need is to get out and see people, but when you are that close to the bottom, that is a very difficult thing to do.

I just keep trying to remember that it won't last forever. And it won't. But its a very difficult phase I'm in right now.

What I'm really looking for

So in response to my last post, I tried to define what a great guy is. As I was trying to put that into words, I wrote that "He's one of those people you love to be around because you always feel uplifted in his presence. "  As I sat there looking at those words, I realized, that's it. That's what I'm really looking for. That's why some of these guys are really nice guys, but I just can't like them. I don't feel uplifted or edified by them. That's one of the reasons I hung out with FDP for so long, I always felt better about myself and about life when I was around him, and not because his life sucked. 


That's a hard thing to find. At least I can put a name to it now, instead of some vague feeling and me saying "I just don't think I like him"

Positive and Negative

I'm at one of those points where I am so frustrated. I have been taking a break from dating. I was planning on going back to making an effort in June, a full year from when I decided I was done with dating, but the last week, I've been getting the feeling that faith is a principle of action. And since I have faith that I will get married, I feel like I should start making an effort again. I'm just not sure how what exactly that action is.

In the meantime, I have been going out with guys if they actually ask me out. The latest guy is a convert of about 2 years and moved here from Arkansas to go to BYU. First we just went to dinner because it was a blind date. Then we went up to the Conference Center for the Sunday morning session of Conference and we just went to the BYU Ballroom Dance Concert. I don't really like the way he offers me his arm. Weird, I know, and not a deal breaker, but its a little weird to take a guy's arm and then he still holds it away from him. That doesn't really help me at all because my hand slides around. He needs to reconnect his arm to his ribcage so that I feel like he's taking care of me, not just looking like it. And he sent a text message in the middle of the show tonight. Kinda bugs. That on top of him making posts on Facebook during Conference. When President Uchtdorf said some of you have already sent a text or notification that its been 10 minutes and he hasn't talked about aviation, that was Convert!! I really liked that Pres. Uchtdorf then said there was a time for everything, and that wasn't the time to be on FB.

Of course, then I feel bad because the latest First Presidency message says that you find what you are looking for; if you look for the good, you will find the good, and if you look for the bad, you will find that too. Sadly, judging from what I think about Convert, I think I've been looking for the bad. Which isn't promising. I need to start looking for the good on dates. Because there will always be something wrong. Might as well find something you like. I do think, however, that if we keeping doing things, this relationship is going to take a long time to get off the ground.

I am still frustrated with dating. I know so many great guys, but I don't feel like I date any great guys. It could be all in my perspective. I guess I'll be working on that.